And Now Comes His Peace

This week has probably been the worst Ive had in South Korea which is why I havent written any proper drafts this week as Ive been far too busy trying to sort out my head with God and questioning him about why some stuff has recently happened. Sorry for those who've been waiting for news and pictures :( God is just dealing with so many issues Ive had to face this week back at home and over here in my heart.

I feel like Ive been under spiritual attack a little this week for the first time since Ive got here and its been a struggle also accepting some stuff thats going on right now too. It seems as though everytime I make a big step further towards Christ I get an attack blasted at me.Ive also had a taste of the major blues which stems back from about three years ago now and Ive been pretty 'fearful and tearful' worrying about things I should have put straight into Gods hands that I just havent. Sometimes I feel like the things in my head are so complicated for me to understand that they're too complex and messy to hand over to God but the truth is that even though I sometimes cant even comprehend the turmoil in my head and heart myself, nothing is too big for God to handle. Absolutely nothing. And the best thing is knowing that he wants us to give it all to him like he says in Matthew,

Come to me, all of you who are weary and heavily burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yolk upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle at heart , and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy to bear, and the burden I give you is light (11:28-30)

Its only been a fairly recent thing that Ive really come back to God in the bid to try to get hold of my faith again that I had as a kid 'on fire for Christ'. Deciding to come back to my faith and the cross has been spiritually amazing but Ive had my struggles like any normal human. Since Ive been in Korea God has lifted me up and shown his amazing love for me like never before in my whole life. Before I came out here I did the Alpha Course at my new church in Manchester and it really broke down my hard exterior I'd built to shut God out of my life. It was in that time that I came really close to God again and really decided to try all over again with him. I make mistakes everyday even now and it breaks my heart alot knowing that Im breaking his but Im trying and I feel like God is really changing my heart. As far as this week's gone though Ive felt so close to God yet so far. I feel like he's really testing me to just give everything to him right now. Everything. Things I dont want to. Things I forgot about years ago. Feelings I forgot about. Things Ive done in the past. People Ive hurt. Things that are eating me up and things that Im struggling with now.Not only has my time here been amazing in that hes drawn me close to him but hes dealing with me in such an intricate, unique and gentle way. It feels like he's opening me up in so many ways all over again even though I'm letting him down over and over. Which reminds me of,

But then I will lead her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did once ago when she was young, when I freed her from her captivity in Egypt. When that day comes " says the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master' ... (Hosea 2 14:23)

Bringing up past hurts, bringing up things I havent thought about for years, some things I 've never even thought about before. Ive felt such a dip into depression this week and have had a reminder of how I felt a few years ago when something really terrible happened in my life.Its like the breath of that emptyness and that morbidity has just come cak to haunt me this week and as just completely frozen me. I havent been myself at all and time has flown by with me looking back on the week not really knowing where the hours went never mind the days. When I was younger I narrow mindedly thought that depression was just an excuse that people used to get time off work...boy was I wrong. Really wrong. Thankfully I got over my period of it after a long time of hurting and rawness. This week though...I just got a few flashbacks of how I was back then a few years ago due to things that have happened this week. Im so glad this week is over but I cant ignore what happened this week and need to acknowledge it and pray that it wont happen again with such intensity. I also need to commit everything to God. I feel like God allowed me to have a bad week to remind me how bad and empty my life was without him but to move on with him and to have my prayers and requests answered (which Im putting to him now) I guess I need to give him everything I have which I was taught about in the second workshop I had about Discerning the Will of God this weekend. The scripture in both workshops have been the exact scripture sent to me via emails, letters and in cards sent by people from home in recent weeks and months since Ive been here and this has just amazingly reconfirmed to me some of the things that I really think God is trying to talk to me about right now.

The image of an empty jigsaw puzzle came to me a long time before I came out here when I was starting to go back to church again and I felt that the image in my head was to do with my life without God in it and I feel like it's symbolic in my life even now trying to live my life obediently to God. I really felt before I came that these constant images of this jigsaw puzzle (with pieces missing, pieces in the wrong places, pieces I didnt even know where to put to fit in with the others) was really significant. During the workshop towards the end Alicia, (the speaker ) held up an empty jigsaw puzzle which she explained symbolised Gods Vision for us in our lives. Without the principles (that she spoke to us about during the workshop) she stated that the vision of God in our lives would not come about and be revealed to us. The principles, morals, our surrender to God in giving him our all, our everything, by us being passionate and praying to him everyday and being obedient to him is what Alicia said will fill that empty puzzle frame communicating a vision to us for our lives. Gods vision for our lives.That was pretty amazing to listen to being able to link it to images I'd had of this empty jigsaw puzzle months ago. Speaking to a good friend of my Mums was a real blessing before I got out here as she reminded me in our natter and her testimony that our lives should be centered about what God wants for us in our lives and not about what we want. Her words were exactly 'Just Remember. Its about what God wants for you. Not what you want'. Good advice.

Wondering what God is going to do with me and my life has been something on my mind a lot recently so I was really intrigued when I found out about the workshop about this Discerning the Will of God. Im the kind of person who likes and kind of NEEDS (!)to know what's round the corner, what Ive got planned for the next 12 months of my life. In fact for the last six years (probably more) Ive always had a big picture in my head of things Ive wanted to do, lining them all up, making plans to travel and do things Ive always wanted. Right now though the next twelve months after my contract is up here is blurry. In some ways its pretty scary for someone like me to not have something seriously planned out, a place to go thats set in my mind but I really do feel like God is saying right now to slow down ...and just wait on him...to enter his presence and revel in it... drawing closer to him... leaning on him and learning to just trust him. Home I will go. Home Im being called. But not yet he says.

After this weeks whisperings of being unable to be obedient to God will all my being and even after the workshop on Discerning the Will of God I felt pretty overwhelmed and worried about how Im gonna give up and stop doing some of the things I know are displeasing to God. Hes been tapping me on the shoulder about so many things, things hes speaking into my life about, things in the past that are gently playing on my mind in dreams and flashbacks and so on. One verse that has come to me through many friends recently and at the ladies retreat though is this, And I am certain that God, who began a good work within you will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Jesus Christ returns (Phil 1:6)

Despite these feelings this week that Im not gonna succeed in pleasing God due to things Im struggling with... this verse has been my vice reminding me that God will not let me down and that if I give myself to him gwith a genuine heart and ask for his help he will help to build me up, he will give me strength with my struggles and he will carry on his good work in me in the changing of my heart. The womens retreat in Songtan with my church came at the right time for me. After a whole week of heavy tears and keeping on a brave face at work part of me really didnt want to go but another part dragged me out of bed, got me showered, put on my makeup and put me in a taxi. The other part wondered what I was doing in that taxi so down that morning on my way to a womens retreat when I could have been in my warm bed. Im so glad I fought that little voice telling me not to go though.

The first workshop was on 'Purity' and its one thing that God has spoken to me about greatly the past few months since I started going back to church.

The workshop was about Purity in general and about how being pure can create more intimacy with ourselves and God. Strangely the book I recently read, 'Redeeming Love' was also about purity and Gods grace and amazing love and was linked to the verse on my mind quoted above from Hosea about God winning back Israel. Giving our whole selves to him as living sacrifices was the verse that was spoken about mainly at a summer camp I went to with my home church this summer ( Soul Survivor) before I came to Korea and this verse was given also at the workshop which really stood out for me. The speaker also discussed how obeying the father can regain our beauty that we feel has been lost through our past sin. One thing that God really used before coming out here was a very close mate of mine. She 's quite a new friend but I Love this girl as a sister and before I left God put her in my life (as I requested in prayer for a good, unboring christian mate!) and he spoke volumes to me through her. She carries such purity and beauty about with her it runs out of her every pore. This girl has been such a witness to me, she's amazing and this girl is someone I really look up to in such a big way.

The rest of the discussion was about how we should defend out hearts and minds, and through meditation. The workshop made me realise that in practicing obedience, purity can be gained bringing an intimacy with God that is untouchable. The question posed to us by Becca (the speaker) was 'Are We Looking Towards God to meet our Emotional Needs?' She called the emotional affairs with others 'heart adultery' and also discussed the lack of emotional needs that our earthly fathers do not give to us which made me think of so many people I know, female mates and male mates who have felt often so let down by their earthly Fathers. Things they've said, things they havent said, things that havent been done, things that have, the list goes on.

Speaking to mates about this over the past few months just here has made me realise that so many are let down by their earthly fathers even if they are present in their lives.

Knowing this and after this weekend, God has just reconfirmed to me with so much scripture that he, this father, our Godly father, will never let us down. No matter what. Nothing is too big for him to handle, nothing will separate us from his love and he'll never let us down or out of his grip.And thats worth praising him for alone.